


Sweet Revenge

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29783028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Starsky and Hutch are marked for death by mob boss, James Gunther, with disastrous results.
Kudos: 2
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Sweet Revenge


    SWEET REVENGE
    
    Season 4, Episode 22
    
    Original Airdate: May 15, 1979
    
    Teleplay by: Steven Nalevansky
    Story by: Steven Nalevansky and Joe Reb Moffly
    Story Editor: Rick Edelstein
    Created by William Blinn
    Directed by: Paul Michael Glaser
    
    Summary: Starsky and Hutch are marked for death by mob boss, James Gunther, with disastrous results. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey

Sean P. Griffin ... Jonathan Wells (as Sean Griffin)

Conrad Bachmann ... Doctor (as Conrad Bachman)

Alex Courtney ... Bates

William Prince ... James Marshall Gunther

Ivan Bonar ... Lancaster

Lou Felder ... Schneider

Stefanie Auerbach ... Nurse

Beverly Hart ... Jenny Brown

Herb Davis ... Butler Thomas

Richard De Lizzi ... Patrolman

Herman Poppe ... Orderly
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Gunther's Boardroom**
    
    BATES: Mr. Lancaster?
    
    LANCASTER: Thank you, Mr. Bates. I am able to report, with pleasure that the upsurge in steel production has increased profits by 17 percent. As you know, I will be leaving on Saturday for Hong Kong, where I will be meeting with Lord Jensen. If all goes as planned, our acquisition of Graykirk and Sons will effectively double our shipping capacity by June. 
    
    BATES: I'm sure you'll relay to Lord Jensen Mr. Gunther's appreciation for his assistance.
    
    LANCASTER: Of course.
    
    BATES: And inform him that Mr. Gunther's yacht will be available to him throughout the term of the festival.
    
    LANCASTER: Thank you.
    
    BATES: Mr. Schneider?
    
    SCHNEIDER: Yes, Mr. Bates.
    
    BATES: We'll hear your summary of our activities in Johannesburg, if you would.
    
    SCHNEIDER: Well, the outlook couldn't be better, Mr. Gunther. Import total exceed fiscal '77, and with minimal cooperation from Wall Street, our stockholders should receive an unprecedented dividend. And overall, I'm delighted with the progress we're making. 
      
    BATES: As we all are, Mr. Schneider. Thank you. Mr. Judson, we'll hear your report on Federated Charities, if you would.
    
    GUNTHER: I-I'd prefer to move on to your report, Mr. Bates.
    
    BATES: Yes, sir. Of course. Reports from Southern California indicate that our operations there have completely terminated, at least for the next two fiscal years. San Diego and Newport have ceased all activities. The doors to Reno remain open, as do Phoenix, but we've lost the L.A.-Atlanta axis, and consequently the Southwestern profit picture is going to indicate an 80 percent loss. Admittedly, it isn't a very pretty picture, but we-- I am convinced that we still have sufficient strength to regroup and in a couple of--
    
    GUNTHER: I appreciate all this optimism about the future, regardless of how distant it might be. But the next report I expect to hear, the only report that I am at all concerned with, is that we have eliminated, now and forever, the two individuals who are almost single-handedly responsible for the massive damage inflicted on this organization. Now and forever, gentlemen. Now and forever gone.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Squad Room**
    
    STARSKY: "I'll marry you tomorrow, but let's honeymoon tonight."
    
    HUTCH: That's not a song lyric.
    
    STARSKY: Sure it is. Big hit in '62.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, how about, uh: "The beer that made Milwaukee famous made a fool out of me."
    
    STARSKY: Where's that from?
    
    HUTCH: I don't know, but it was a monster. Quit spitting on your-- Quit spitting on your paddle!
    
    STARSKY: Right here, Charlie. "If I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over you."
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. "Don't cry down my back, baby, you might rust my spurs."
    
    STARSKY: Mm-hm. "The phone don't ring, darling, you'll know it's me."
    
    HUTCH: "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
    
    STARSKY: Aha! Okay! If I don't beat you on trivia, I'll beat you on talent. Makes it point 20-19, my favor. Match point, set point. And in case you've forgotten our bet, one point away from a three-course meal at a restaurant of my choice.
    
    HUTCH: Just shut up and serve.
    
    STARSKY: All right. I just heard of this restaurant in Elmwood. It's so expensive, they take credit references with your reservation.
    
    DOBEY: Starsky and Hutch, I, uh, wanna speak to you a minute.
    
    STARSKY: One second, Captain. Final point.
    
    DOBEY: I know things are going a little slow around here with the painting and all. You're probably gonna say it-- It's none of my business, but I was just wondering... Uh, where was I?
    
    HUTCH: You were just wondering, Captain.
    
    DOBEY: Yeah. I was wondering what's going on.
    
    STARSKY: I don't know, Captain. But I'm sure as hell gonna find out. Game, set and match, sucker.
    
    DOBEY: What? What'd he say?
    
    HUTCH: I don't know, Captain, but I'm sure gonna find out.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Police Parking Lot**
    
    STARSKY: You owe me a dinner, buddy boy.
    
    HUTCH: Well, a bet's a bet. 
    
    STARSKY: Oh, all right. 
    
    HUTCH: Hey, look, as long as I'm buying...
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: ...you mind if I pick the date?
    
    STARSKY: Yours.
    
    HUTCH: How about tomorrow?
    
    STARSKY: Tomorrow? Sounds great.
    
    HUTCH: How about 5 in the morning?
    
    STARSKY: Uh-uh. This time you owe me a three-course dinner.
    
    HUTCH: Like hamburgers, fries and a chocolate shake?
    
    STARSKY: No way. I'm taking about a broiled lobster maybe. Maybe even a New York steak.
    
    HUTCH: Come on, open up.
    
    STARSKY: What do you look so ill for? It's not every day you get to buy your best buddy a meal. 
    
    HUTCH: Starsky, get down! Starsky! Starsky!
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hospital**
    
    HUGGY: Captain--?
    
    DOBEY: A couple guys dressed up like officers. He's lucky to be alive. 
    
    HUGGY: He's gonna be okay.
    
    HUTCH: He's dying.
    
    HUGGY: No.
    
    HUTCH: He- He suffered massive damage. The body can only withstand...
    
    HUGGY: Well, there's a chance. There's always a chance.
    
    DOBEY: Of course there's a chance. There's always a chance.
    
    DOCTOR: He's in a coma.
    
    DOBEY: Ahem, hey, doc, um... You know, there's not too much I can do at headquarters I can't do here.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    DOBEY: I think I'm gonna stay. I mean. I think one of us ought to be here, in case we lose him. Why don't you, um... go wash up, get something to eat.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    DOBEY: Catch up with Huggy. He just went for some coffee.
    
    HUTCH: Excuse me, where's the men's room? Captain, you- you want something to eat? Excuse me.
    
    (Fight ensues.)
    
    DOBEY: Oh, don't tell me. That goes over here. I know what's going on out there better than you.
    
    HUTCH: I don't wanna sit and wait for them to make another move.
    
    DOBEY: At this time, we don't have much of a choice!
    
    HUTCH: We do, too! We take the offensive. What?
    
    DOBEY: How? Who? Where?
    
    HUTCH: We make the move.
    
    DOBEY: You don't even know who they are.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    HUGGY: Lower level, garage.
    
    HUTCH: Captain, we find out.
    
    DOBEY: How?
    
    HUTCH: We go out and look for them.
    
    DOBEY: For what, a bullet in the head? It's not just Starsky they want, it's you! 
    
    HUTCH: Beats sitting around here pouring coffee.
    
    DOBEY: Hutch, if you go out now, it'll be like shooting a duck in a barrel. Now, come on, be calm. Calm down and wait till I can find you a new partner.
    
    HUTCH: I already got a partner. I don't need another one.
    
    DOBEY: Don't be standing there. Get out there with him.
    
    HUGGY: Hutch. 
    
    HUTCH: Dobey send you after me?
    
    HUGGY: Your keys. You can't drive a car without keys.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky's gonna die, Hug. Starsky's gonna die and... there ain't nothing anybody can do about it. Well, at least from their end, there isn't. I'm still here. I'm still alive. They haven't got me yet. And until then, there damn well better be something I can do.
    
    HUGGY: Here.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, uh, what's it look like?
    
    HUGGY: Looks like Dobey's car. Take it slow, huh?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hospital Parking Garage**
    
    HUTCH: Hey, excuse me. You're, uh, blocking my car there. Can I give you a hand?
    
    HITMAN: Oh, I'd appreciate it. Uh... If, uh, you take his legs, I can grab him under the arms.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, sure. Talk to me. Tell me something I don't know. I wanna hear it now!
    
    HITMAN: t was a paid hit. I don't know who wanted it done.
    
    HUTCH: Who paid? Give me a name, damn it!
    
    HITMAN: A girl.
    
    HUTCH: What girl?
    
    HITMAN: Brown.
    
    HUTCH: Who?
    
    HITMAN: Jenny Brown.
    
    HUTCH: Where?
    
    HITMAN: I don't know.
    
    HUTCH: Park Towers.
    
    DOBEY: (on two way radio) Hutchinson, where are you, and what's going on?
    
    HUTCH: Look, just get me a patrol car and an ambulance on the, uh, uh, third level of the County Hospital garage.
    
    DOBEY: That's right here.
    
    HUTCH: No kidding.
    
    DOBEY: What?
    
    HUTCH: Brown. Brown. Jenny Brown. Run her name through the computer. I want the results immediately.
    
    HUGGY: Hutch, this is Huggy. Did you say Jenny Brown?
    
    HUTCH: Jenny Brown, right. What's it to you?
    
    HUGGY: Well, heh, it's gotta be her then.
    
    HUTCH: Who?
    
    HUGGY: She's the Muhammad Ali of the modeling world. She's been on the cover of Vogue, Cosmopolitan, you name it. 
    
    HUTCH: I just did. (end)
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Park Towers**
    
    HUTCH: Don't move.
    
    BROWN: I'm sorry?
    
    HUTCH: Who gave you money to pay for the hit? Who gave you money to pay for the hit?
    
    BROWN: I really haven't any idea what you're talking about.
    
    HUTCH: Look, Miss Brown, my partner is dying, and you paid for the hit. Now, I'm gonna put you in a car, and I'm gonna take you downtown and I'm gonna book you. And then you're gonna be allowed one phone call. And what I suggest that you say is you've been arrested as an accomplice on two attempted murders, and that your boss,
    who left you holding the bag, I'm gonna go after next.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Hospital**
    
    NURSE: (over PA) Code blue, station one. Code blue, station one. Code blue, station one. Code blue, station one.
    
    DOCTOR: What you got?
    
    NURSE: A cardiac arrest.
    
    DOCTOR: With a board.
    
    NURSE: Okay. 
    
    DOCTOR: Right there. That's it.
    
    NURSE: Doctor, there are no vital signs. We lost him.
    
    NURSE 2: Excuse me, Captain Dobey, it's Detective Hutchinson on the telephone.
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) How's he doing, Captain?
    
    DOBEY: I think you better get down here right away, Hutch. Hutch? (end) 
    
    DOCTOR: Stop it. Nothing. Give me the defibrillator. Four hundred watt-seconds. Let's cut the bandages. Paddles. Cut faster, P.A. Okay, let me at him. Ready with sodium bicarb and epinephrine?
    
    NURSE: Yes, sir.
    
    DOCTOR: Continue compression. Okay. Let me hit him one more time. Stand clear. Continue compression. Stop. One more time. Stand clear. Okay. We-- We got him back. Normal sinus rhythm. Start the lidocaine drip. He's alive. Still not out of it, but I'll be damned if he isn't alive.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Gunther's Office**
    
    BATES: Excuse me.
    
    GUNTHER: He's still alive.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Dobey's Office at Hospital**
    
    DOBEY: (on phone) Yeah? When? Hold it. (pause) How is he?
    
    HUTCH: He's, uh, holding his own.
    
    HUGGY: Just a light snack. You want something?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, sure. 
    
    DOBEY: (on phone) Okay, I'll get back to you. (end)
    
    HUGGY: I can dig it.
    
    DOBEY: That mechanic who tried to waste you last night in the hospital garage...
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, did you get him an ID?
    
    DOBEY: Nope. They got to him in his cell at the county. Knifed him.
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) Riley? Hutchinson. Look, uh... Uh, Jenny Brown, we booked her last night. W-- Wait a second! I want her transferred to maximum security. What? Well, who sprung her? Yeah, thanks. (end) 
    
    
    Interior - Day - Wells' Office
    
    HUTCH: (audio flashback) "Don't cry down my back, baby, you might rust my spurs."
    
    STARSKY: "When the phone don't ring, darling, you'll know it's me." (end) 
    
    WELLS: Good morning, Detective Hutchinson. How can I help you, Detective?
    
    HUTCH: Jenny Brown.
    
    WELLS: Excuse me. (on phone) Yes? No. No, tell her I'll have to call back. Yes. Fine. (end) Now, then, uh...
    
    HUTCH: Jenny Brown.
    
    WELLS: Jenny Brown.
    
    HUTCH: Your firm bailed her out this morning.
    
    WELLS: Yes.
    
    HUTCH: Well, who requested-?
    
    WELLS: Excuse me. (on phone) Yes? No, of course. No, for lunch. Yes, three of us. Fine. (end)
    
    HUTCH: Who posted bail for her?
    
    WELLS: Detective Hutchinson, as officers of the court, I'm sure you must know that we cannot divulge--
    
    HUTCH: Look, either you tell her to hold those calls or I will, so help me.
    
    WELLS: (on phone) Yes? No, not right now. And, uh, hold my calls. For a few minutes. Yes. (end) As I was saying, Detective Hutchinson, I'm sure you're well aware of the legalities.
    
    HUTCH: I'm aware of the fact that the lady you sprung from county jail handled an exchange of money between two killers and a certain unknown individual or individuals that want me and my partner dead.
    
    WELLS: I'm afraid this is really leading us nowhere, Detective. Discussing my client with you, as I'm sure you know, is against the ethics of an attorney.
    
    HUTCH: Now, where does murder fit in to your ethic?
    
    WELLS: I don't really believe we have anything further to discuss.
    
    HUTCH: No, I guess not. But I do wanna thank you for one thing.
    
    WELLS: Really? And what might that be?
    
    HUTCH: My confusion about prostitutes. Now I know that the, uh, high-priced ones can also wear three-piece suits. What are you doing here?
    
    HUGGY: Trying to catch up to you. Take heart, my man. You're in luck. Huggy's about to make a very special delivery.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah? What's that?
    
    HUGGY: Receptionist's call sheet with a list of all the outgoing calls made by the Honorable Jonathan Wells.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Wells' Office**
    
    HUTCH: Man. Every time I get a door open, it's slammed back in my face. I'll tell you something, Huggy, this thing, whatever it is, it's a hell of a lot bigger than either one of us thought. Somebody's got the power, somebody's got the control, right? Whoever it is is up there laughing at this puny little cop trying to chip away at a mountain.
    
    HUGGY: Maybe, maybe not. You gotta keep pushing. Maybe they'll make a mistake.
    
    HUTCH: Bates? Bates? Six, seven, eight calls. San Francisco area code. Who's this guy, Bates?
    
    HUGGY: There's a telephone.
    
    HUTCH: Give me some change, will you? I'm out. What's the number?
    
    HUGGY: Um, area code, you got?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    HUGGY: 555
    
    HUTCH: 5. 
    
    Huggy: 6278.
    
    HUTCH: 78. (on phone) Yeah. I put it all in, operat-- All right, all right. 271-1274. (end)  
    
    HUGGY: What? Who answered? Who's Bates?
    
    HUTCH: I don't know, I... At least now I know who this number is. 
    
    HUGGY: Whose?
    
    HUTCH: The man turned down a chance at the presidency because it was a step down
    in power.
    
    HUGGY: What?
    
    HUTCH: Huggy, this number is... is Gunther Industries. It's the private line to James Gunther.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hospital**
    
    HUGGY: Captain, you gotta eat. You just can't keep going from day to day without putting something in your stomach. How about some food? We got nice sandwiches. Captain, when is the last time you ate something? Come on, tell me. Yesterday? Today?
    
    DOBEY: I don't know, Huggy. I've just been drinking a lot of coffee.
    
    HUGGY: Exactly. And all coffee, no solid food makes captain a very shaky boy. Voilà.
    
    DOBEY: Sorry.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Starsky's Room**
    
    HUTCH: I don't know what to do, Starsk. I'm pushing the odds. I don't know what to do. I mean, what if...? What if...? Oh, man, what am I talking about? What am I talking about? Starsky? Starsk? You-- You're awake. He's awake. Ah.. Er... Nurse, nurse, look, he's awake, he's-- He's awake. He's awake! He's awake! He's okay! He's awake! He's all right! He's awake, he's awake. He's awake. He's awake. He's awake, he's awake. He's awake. He's awake. He's-- He's awake.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Gunther's Office**
    
    BATES: Good morning.
    
    GUNTHER: Never ceases to amaze me.
    
    BATES: What's that, sir?
    
    GUNTHER: How we struggle to order the world about us, center it all in on us. Try to eliminate chance, risk. Determine cause, assign effects.
    
    BATES: I don't follow.
    
    GUNTHER: There's a fly in our ointment, Bates.
    
    BATES: I'm sorry.
    
    GUNTHER: So am I. I wish I'd seen him sooner. What are we going to do?
    
    THOMAS: Coffee, sir.
    
    GUNTHER: Ah, providence, once again.
    
    BATES: I don't think there's anything really to discuss. I mean, I've already given you my...opinion. I think we should leave for a while. Go away until things quiet down.
    
    GUNTHER: Hide our heads beneath the covers.
    
    THOMAS: Shall I serve, sir?
    
    GUNTHER: Allow me. Did it ever occur to you, Bates, that eventually life doesn't provide an alternative?
    
    BATES: There's always alternatives, sir. We can always make a choice.
    
    GUNTHER: Yours is to run?
    
    BATES: Sir, I don't see, in this instance, there's really any--
    
    GUNTHER: Choice? 
    
    BATES: Well-- Well, there is.
    
    GUNTHER: Bates, there isn't. Your coffee.  
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Starsky's Room**
    
    NURSE: Officer!
    
    HUTCH: We got them, Starsky! Later. This is really important.
    
    NURSE: So is his health. I must forbid.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, later, sweetheart. Listen to this.
    
    NURSE: A man with a cardiac arrest needs rest.
    
    HUTCH: You're not gonna believe it. You know all that information we gave to Wallenby to put into the computer?
    
    NURSE: Please, get out.
    
    HUTCH: Wait till you hear this. Wait till you hear this.
    
    NURSE: Sergeant, if you don't leave right now, I'm gonna call hospital security. Do you hear me? 
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, why don't you-- Good idea, call them. That's a good id-- Here we go. Gunther Industries, fourth largest holding company. Holding, among others, Gunther Petroleum...
    
    NURSE: Will you get out?
    
    HUTCH: ...Texas Shorthorn Cattle Company.
    
    NURSE: Sergeant!
    
    HUTCH: Wait, wait. Wait a second.
    
    NURSE: Please get out of here right now.
    
    HUTCH: New World Textiles, Westland Electronics and catch this: Gunther Properties owning and managing one condominium of one Jenny Brown.
    
    NURSE: Sergeant, please! Get out of here right now!
    
    HUTCH; Shh! Wait a second. Here. Wells, Calley, Hodgson, law firm that bailed out Brown and legal consultant to 13 subsidiaries of Gunther Industries.
    
    NURSE: I want you out now! All right, all right. That's it, that's it.
    
    HUTCH: What? Well, anyway, you ain't heard nothing yet. Listen to this. The late Federal Judge McLellan served on the board of directors of-- Count: one, two, three Gunther-owned companies. Here, look with your own eyes.
    
    NURSE: Please tell your man to get out.
    
    HUTCH: And the late Deputy D.A. Clayburn. 
    
    DOBEY: Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: Wait a second, Captain.
    
    DOBEY: Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: Clayburn-- What?
    
    DOBEY: Listen, your flight to--
    
    HUTCH: Shh-shh. Shh-shh. Shh! Shh.
    
    DOBEY: Your flight to San Francisco leaves in--
    
    HUTCH: Shh-shh.
    
    DOBEY: Your flight to San Francisco leaves in 30 minutes.
    
    HUTCH: That's okay. 
    
    DOBEY: You gotta get started.
    
    HUTCH: Right, right. Look, when he wakes up... you'll read him the rest, right?
    
    DOBEY: Yes. Yes. 
    
    HUTCH: Okay, okay.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Gunther's Office**
    
    GUNTHER: Gunther Overseas Oil... $53 billion invested in the North Sea project... 82 million in Iran... 14 million in Venezuela. Gunther Trading... owns the second largest import-export business in Hong Kong. And my father repaired sewing machines. "Easy as alphabet soup," he used to say. "Nothing can't be fixed. Just put your mind to it." Mr. Fix-It. Oh, you and he would have gotten on fine, Bates.
    You and your college degrees; he and his sewing machines. You ever-? No, I expect not. I guess that's what's supposed to be so funny.
    
    THOMAS: Sir?
    
    GUNTHER: Yes?
    
    THOMAS: He's arrived, sir.
    
    GUNTHER: Good. Show him in. Uh... That'll be all, Thomas. Come in, Sergeant Kenneth Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: James Gunther.
    
    GUNTHER: Yes, that's correct.
    
    HUTCH: The James Gunther.
    
    GUNTHER: James Marshall Gunther, to be correct. You've met my butler, Thomas. Meet my assistant, Mr. Bates. He so looked forward to meeting you. You've come to arrest me. Ah, yes, the warrant. Please. 
    
    HUTCH: You gonna kill me? Try it. You tried to kill my partner how many times? You kill me, he'll come after you. Kill him, and there'll be somebody else. There'll always be somebody else. Come here. Come here! Assume the position. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney and have that attorney present during questioning. If you so desire and cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you without charge before questioning.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Starsky's Room**
    
    HUTCH: Shh! Shh-shh.
    
    STARSKY: Look what the cat dragged in. Look at this. My goodness. Where the hell have you been?
    
    HUTCH: What? It's 8:45.
    
    STARSKY: By whose clock?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, well, is something wrong with you?
    
    STARSKY: Well, uh... Four pain killers. Feeling no pain.
    
    HUTCH: Well, we're even.
    
    STARSKY: Really? Where are you going?
    
    HUTCH: Move over. Move over.
    
    STARSKY: Shh. Be careful. Be careful.
    
    HUTCH: How long do you think it takes to stuff veal, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Oh, boy. Look at this. Oh, boy. Say, did you run into any trouble downstairs?
    
    HUTCH: Not really.
    
    STARSKY: No?
    
    HUTCH: No, no, I ran into an orderly, but I turned him into a bottle of Jim Beam.
    
    STARSKY: That's the little short guy with the mustache.
    
    HUTCH: The little short guy with the mustache. Same guy, same guy. Oh, boy.
    
    STARSKY: Hey.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STARSKY: Um... 
    
    HUTCH: That's beautiful, huh?
    
    STARSKY: That is beautiful. This is beautiful.
    
    HUTCH: That's beautiful. 
    
    STARSKY: It warms my heart.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I'll tell you something. I couldn't have my buddy eating hospital food for another week, I'll tell you that.
    
    STARSKY: I'm telling you, if I eat any more chipped beef on a shingle...
    
    NURSE: Everything all right?
    
    STARSKY: Fine. Everything's terrific. I think she's gone.
    
    HUTCH: Gone, huh?
    
    NURSE: Would you like some orange juice or something?
    
    STARSKY: Nothing, thank you. I think it's okay.
    
    HUTCH: She gone?
    
    STARSKY: She's gone. Say, did you bring anything to drink? There's nothing in there.
    
    HUTCH: Who, me?
    
    STARSKY: Well, who else am I talking to?
    
    HUTCH: Oh!
    
    STARSKY: Captain, you'll give a guy a heart attack.
    
    DOBEY: Thought you'd like something to eat.
    
    STARSKY: Look at this. Look at this. Oh, Captain. What's he breathing so hard for?
    
    DOBEY: I'd like to see you score a 10-pound antipasto at 2 a.m. in the morning.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah? Where's Huggy?
    
    DOBEY: I lost him downstairs.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah?
    
    DOBEY: Got in an argument with a very large nurse and a drunken orderly.
    
    HUGGY: Oh! Cheese it, fellas. Shh! There's a huge nurse on my tail.
    
    STARSKY: Shh! Shh, shh. Shh! Shh!
    
    HUGGY: Quiet.
    
    STARSKY: Shh!
    
    HUGGY: Okay.
    
    STARSKY: Huggy, did you bring some wine?
    
    HUGGY: Is the Pope a Pole?
    
    DOBEY: Somebody turn the lights on.
    
    HUGGY: Chateau Martin, 1977.
    
    STARSKY: Ohhh. All right.
    
    DOBEY: I gotta have light to eat!
    
    STARSKY: Shh!
    
    HUGGY: Captain Mysterious. Candlelight.
    
    STARSKY: That's a good idea, Hugs.
    
    DOBEY: That's better.
    
    HUGGY: Where can I hang this?
    
    HUTCH: Voilà. Up there.
    
    HUGGY: Thank you.
    
    DOBEY: Be careful of the food.
    
    HUGGY: Shh. Shh. Where's my glass?
    
    DOBEY: There it is.
    
    HUGGY: Okay.
    
    DOBEY: Starsky, you're uncouth.
    
    STARSKY: Gentlemen, I'm gonna propose a toast. My toast... to four very, very heavy dudes.
    
    HUTCH: Well, at least three.
    
    STARSKY: God bless us all. I'm gonna remember this night for a long time to come.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, w-w-wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.
    
    STARSKY: What is it? 
    
    HUTCH: Let me get something straight here before-- Before we start.
    
    DOBEY: What?
    
    HUTCH: Huggy?
    
    HUGGY: Yeah, sure.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, what was that that you hung that, uh-- that lantern from up there?
    
    STARSKY: Uh... I don't know.
    
    DOBEY: Looks like-- 
    
    HUGGY: ...one of them--
    
    HUTCH: Fire-sensitive, uh, sprinklers.
    
    END


End file.
